Sunday, October 9, 2016

Middle Earth 90210, or 'binge watching Shanarra on Netflix'

"This magic tree holds a thousand demons imprisoned. When the tree dies, an army of demons, each as mighty as 20 men, will march on the capital."

"Yes, I remember the warning. I have an army of 20,000 soldiers trained & ready."

"Oh. OK then. Tea?"

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"Go sneak into the capital, steal the magic stones, and kidnap the half-elf."

"If I fail, I'll be imprisoned for the rest of my life."

"It'll be worse if you fail. Also, don't even think about double-crossing me."

"Oh, good thing you mentioned that last bit, because double-crossing you would be so much easier! Good talk!"

****

"OK, so there's a traitor in the palace, and our lives are all at risk. For the last time, I'm begging you to institute a 'no-cloaks' dress code!"

"Nope. Cloaks are cool."

"Would you at least even consider a 'no wearing the hood on your cloak up to hide your face inside' rule?"

"Sorry, but that's part of the whole cool look."

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I'm guessing the director or producer said to the actor playing Allan-on "try to sound like a young Sean Connery".

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John Rhys-Davis seems to deliver each line with a silent prayer that the script never asks him to say anything snarky.

***

"OK, how about a compromise? Hoods, but no cloaks?"

"What?"

"Yeah, that rogue girl, she's got a hood, but no cloak. That's a totally cool look!"

"You are really bad at security."

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Apparently, flashbacks are filmed through a really bad instagram filter.

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Gnomes have ninja stars?

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